ramblings of a nobody

okay bloggers && internet losers...yeah if youre taking the time to read this youre either truly devoted or a loser. Here's what ive come to realize...other than insomnia blows && im working on less than 3 fucking hours of damn sleep && i couldnt be more irritated...ive realized that im nowhere near being who i want to be, && that saddens me. && ive gotten so lost i dont even know how to begin to fix it. im everything i never wanted to be. im too damn proud to ask for help && too fucked up to see it when its there. ive moved slowly into my own little world, where i have nothing but time to ponder && bask in my own unfulfillment. i have nothing to show for anything ive done. i have nothing to keep me company other than the memories of whats gotten me here && the hopes of what could be when i get out. theres gotta be more to life.more than empty wasted days. ive got to pull myself out of the shadows in which i reside. the truth is that im so broken && tampered with emotionally that if everything were to be normal && okay i probably wouldnt be able to handle it. ive gotten used to everything failing && to my screwed up angsty way of proving them all right. ive realized that i need to come to terms with the fact that this is who i am, and my family will never take me as i am. they act like i choose to feel this way, and like its a personal goal to do nothing right. just as they act like being gay is some disease or like its not who or what you are, its how you act, and moreso a lifestyle...a trend. like ill do something and according to them im "acting like a lesbian" as if there are some predetermined actions or mannerisms to being a lesbian...let me run out and buy that book cause obviously ive been doing it wrong. they constantly throw in my face that they belive i "choose" to be this way. like i really wake up in the morning and choose to have my family hate me, choose to not live a "normal" life, choose to be ridiculed and put down daily. yeah thats what i want out of life. they dont understand what its like waking up every morning knowing this is what i am && that there is no changing it, if i could pop a magic "fix it" pill && live without all the bullshit ive dealt with for years && will continue to deal with for the rest of my life, id do it. i dont think people understand that just because someone embraces certain things in life or puts on a smile, that definately doesnt mean they are happy or even content. scars arent merely external and youll never see the pain, guuilt, and worries someone carries with them. if the world chooses to out me, it would be a tiny victory. && honestly i kinda like it when things go wrong, reminds me that im still here. in the midst of all the thinking ive been doing ive also figured out that i push myself into unhealthy relationships with people[friendships...im content in my intimate relationship with kayleigh]. what more can i do. i mean ive got to stop being around people that are so...not even on the radar. && ive got to let go of the past. ive turned it into a game. an internal competition. unhealthy much? ive put up so many walls, not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to try to break them down. and thus far ive found only reason to keep building. oh if only i knew how to fix everything. make me think like a normal person. make me emotionally inept. i may sound idealistic but i just want to define 'me' in perfectly normal, sane, unflawed terms. i am obviously no one special, of no importance, ive done nothing to better the lives of others, && ive made no impact. im just a lost, angsty, confused girl with no where to go but up...or down...its hard to tell these days. && how about im so screwed up that when i want to seem more appealing or i want to fix who i am and how im seen by people, i dont do anything to alter myself, i alter my profile page. cause im too scared to have any real connections with real people. oh that was a lot of great nothingness. i think i just needed to vent. && it helps to get it all out of my head.
oh btw im at a lyrical loss so if you have any magical words to trigger some musical flowage by all means be my guest...