can someone tell me.

How can I have gotten to the point where I can not even remember why we started this relationship? we shouldnt be used to fighting. But we both are. && that cant be good. This is too much to fathem and I am too young to stress so much over a relationship. All I know is that someone or someone has to change or this is not going to end well. && id hate that. I love her so much. But I have to love me more. At some point. right? I hope this turns around.

Pour Your Heart Out

Okay so this Wednesday's post is going to be short. Things have been crazy this week. The only thing on my mind is how much I hate my doctor and the providence medical group. Whenever I see my doctor she talks to me like I am an idiot who doesnt know my own body, she ignores me, and talks down to me. I go in yesterday dreding seeing her for anything. My swollen, black and blue, finger that I could not move at all is obviously totally messed up. She tells me basically to get over it, and take advil. wtf. she touches it and I scream. And she wants me to just take some advil. She doesnt believe in pain medication. Ohh when I say to her "I found these really odd lumps, and these bruises wont go away..." she acts like I didnt say a word and walks out.

nostalgic ramblings

So yesterday someone asked about my past relationships, past girlfriends, I figure they were trying to piece together why I am the way I am. And it got me very reminescent of the past. so im going to talk a little but about each of the girls in my past that have had an impact on me and my life. Just the ones I feel are worth being talked about.

Trish....yeah, even though we dont even speak now, I have to at least mention her considering she has my initials tattooed on her body. We had this...thing I guess you could call it. It was never this serious world wind romance or anything. Actually for the first like year of our off and on whatever it was, we didnt even kiss. We never slept together. ever. It was about so much more with her. She was my best friend. to the point that if we were fighting we would still stay the night with each other, on opposite sides of the room, on our phones talking shit about each other, just so the other didnt have to be alone. She created me. She showed me this world that was so unknown to me, she was special. and not I couldnt even tell ya where she is or what she is doing.

Kayla...Or whatever she is going by these days. Since she is transitioning into a male. yeah. whatever. It's weird to me. But it is her personal decision. Makes a girl wonder what she could have done though ya know. She happened to me very quickly. She was just there. And the next thing I knew we were proving all those horrible lesbian stereotypes correct. We met. slept together. used the "L" word. Packed my stuff. I moved in. all in the first week or two. We had crazy moments. And an amazing connection that I still can not put into words. We broke up. Fought. Continued living together. Slept with other people. Fought. Got back togther. Fought. Broke up. And with the exception of maybe two times, I have not seen her in about two years I think. She is happy in love now. And I am thankful for that. She is changing her lifestyle, and I can not comment on that.I wish her the very best. I was so wrapped up in her for years after we were nothing to each other, until about a year ago she could call me and my bags were packed and ready for her to tell me she wanted me back. Now id like to think I was a stepping stone on her way to where she is supposed to be.

Ashley...oh my oh my. Ashley alyssa morgan mercedes...if she were to read this I almost guarantee she would get all pissy about me not saying that other name I cant say...nor spell..lol.[[sorry babe]] okay so let's get real right now. She was that girl that was not only out of my league, but in a completely different game. I felt lucky she ever even talked to me. Like in high school there was always that super hot way popular guy [or girl...but im using a hetero example] that any girl would be lucky to even stand next to...well even years after I left high school, she was that for me. And we had our moments but it never went beyond a convo and a friendly hug. or a friendly chase around town. lol. Until she came back into my life almost a year later. And it would take days to go into all the details of it, so I wont, But I will say that she has had the biggest impact on my life. She hit me hard. I fell faster than I have ever fell for anyone. She was, at the time, my world. My everything, the reason I woke up every day. I loved her in ways that until then I had only read about in books. she made me feel like I was worth something. She was the first girl to truly make me believe I was beautiful. And for that I will be eternally thankful. We had our run, and it was great while it lasted. We were happy, no matter what anyone tried to say or do. we knew who we were and what we meant to each other, and no one will ever take that away. Sadly, our time together did not last as long as intended. Life gets in the way. It happens. she did her thing. I did mine. I met kayleigh. She had shelby. we caught up in our own worlds. she was the first make me reconsider my relationships with other people. Months into my relationship with kayleigh I was mentally headed back to Tn to be with her. Though I decided I was better off here. We talk now. rarely. But I know that no matter what, we will have that summer, and a part of me will always love her...in a platonic, nastalgic way. I hope she finds what she needs out of life. and I hope she knows she is my best friend and I will always be there for her, no matter what.

ramblings of a nobody

okay bloggers && internet losers...yeah if youre taking the time to read this youre either truly devoted or a loser. Here's what ive come to realize...other than insomnia blows && im working on less than 3 fucking hours of damn sleep && i couldnt be more irritated...ive realized that im nowhere near being who i want to be, && that saddens me. && ive gotten so lost i dont even know how to begin to fix it. im everything i never wanted to be. im too damn proud to ask for help && too fucked up to see it when its there. ive moved slowly into my own little world, where i have nothing but time to ponder && bask in my own unfulfillment. i have nothing to show for anything ive done. i have nothing to keep me company other than the memories of whats gotten me here && the hopes of what could be when i get out. theres gotta be more to life.more than empty wasted days. ive got to pull myself out of the shadows in which i reside. the truth is that im so broken && tampered with emotionally that if everything were to be normal && okay i probably wouldnt be able to handle it. ive gotten used to everything failing && to my screwed up angsty way of proving them all right. ive realized that i need to come to terms with the fact that this is who i am, and my family will never take me as i am. they act like i choose to feel this way, and like its a personal goal to do nothing right. just as they act like being gay is some disease or like its not who or what you are, its how you act, and moreso a lifestyle...a trend. like ill do something and according to them im "acting like a lesbian" as if there are some predetermined actions or mannerisms to being a lesbian...let me run out and buy that book cause obviously ive been doing it wrong. they constantly throw in my face that they belive i "choose" to be this way. like i really wake up in the morning and choose to have my family hate me, choose to not live a "normal" life, choose to be ridiculed and put down daily. yeah thats what i want out of life. they dont understand what its like waking up every morning knowing this is what i am && that there is no changing it, if i could pop a magic "fix it" pill && live without all the bullshit ive dealt with for years && will continue to deal with for the rest of my life, id do it. i dont think people understand that just because someone embraces certain things in life or puts on a smile, that definately doesnt mean they are happy or even content. scars arent merely external and youll never see the pain, guuilt, and worries someone carries with them. if the world chooses to out me, it would be a tiny victory. && honestly i kinda like it when things go wrong, reminds me that im still here. in the midst of all the thinking ive been doing ive also figured out that i push myself into unhealthy relationships with people[friendships...im content in my intimate relationship with kayleigh]. what more can i do. i mean ive got to stop being around people that are so...not even on the radar. && ive got to let go of the past. ive turned it into a game. an internal competition. unhealthy much? ive put up so many walls, not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to try to break them down. and thus far ive found only reason to keep building. oh if only i knew how to fix everything. make me think like a normal person. make me emotionally inept. i may sound idealistic but i just want to define 'me' in perfectly normal, sane, unflawed terms. i am obviously no one special, of no importance, ive done nothing to better the lives of others, && ive made no impact. im just a lost, angsty, confused girl with no where to go but up...or down...its hard to tell these days. && how about im so screwed up that when i want to seem more appealing or i want to fix who i am and how im seen by people, i dont do anything to alter myself, i alter my profile page. cause im too scared to have any real connections with real people. oh that was a lot of great nothingness. i think i just needed to vent. && it helps to get it all out of my head.
oh btw im at a lyrical loss so if you have any magical words to trigger some musical flowage by all means be my guest...

Pieces.

From the moment that we met
My world was turned around, upside down
To some degree I still regret
My memory for keepin you around
Girl I thought that you were mine
But my broken hearts been shattered
One too many times

And I don't want to see you anymore
I'm just not that strong
I love it when you're here
But I'm better when you're gone
I'm certain that I've given and oh how you can take
There's no use in you lookin
There's nothin left for you to break
Baby please release me
Let my heart rest in pieces

Someone let you down again
So you turn to me, your convenient friend
Oh but I know what you're doin
And what you hope to find
I've seen it a thousand times
Oh the fire we had before
Are now just bitter ashes
Left scattered on the floor

And I don't want to see you anymore
I'm just not that strong
I love it when you're here
But I'm better when you're gone
I'm certain that I've given and oh how you can take
There's no use in you lookin
There's nothin left for you to break
Baby please release me
Let my heart rest in pieces

Yeah..

I don't want to see you anymore
I'm just not that strong
I love it when you're here babe
But I'm better when you're gone
I'm certain that I've given and oh how you can take
There's no use in you lookin
There's nothin left for you to break
Baby please release me
We both know that you don't need me
Let my heart rest in pieces, in pieces

Let it rain..

Wanna get off this rollercoaster ride

When everything is spiriling downward I fall down a hole of self doubt, im falling, screaming for help, unsure of where I will land. much like alice falling down the rabbit hole. i want to convince myself that ill land on my feet at the bottom and that eventually Ill find my way back up but I have always been a horrible liar. so now I sit. Completely alone and insecure. If demons exist, I have many of them im facing. where is the light at the end of this tunnel? I have so much running through my head that I just want out, but i cant bring myself to say any of it aloud. Or to admit defeat. when you show others you are vulnerable, they have the ability to hurt you.

They Just Keep Running....

I get to work yesterday, and my boss comes in and tells me that "someone" told her kayleigh and I were being inappropriate, kissing while I was at work, and hanging all over each other. which is so far from the truth. My boss says she doesn't believe it, and that I am professional at work, but she did also let it slip to Kayleigh who told her. Apparently I have done something to offend one of my co-workers and so the shit talking and drama had begun. Its become a back and forth with the girls I work with, and im unsure of what I did. It is no longer comfortable working there. which saddens me.

An unfortunate cookie...

Last night I went out to dinner with Kayleigh, and I got a fortune cookie that lied. I break it open expecting some great guide...and I get a slip of paper saying "you bring out the best in others"...thats just bull. I actually wish it were true. I wish I could bring out the best in others. I seem to bring out the worst in others actually.

Pour Your Heart Out

Okay so my sister told me about this blog, which I found to be really awesome. And she told me to do this pour your heart out thing on Wednesdays. So I am not quite sure what I am going to write about, or exactly how to do this, but of course I'm gonna try.




So I want to talk about all of these people who make my life tolerable.

Let's start with Kayleigh. I love that girl so much its absolutely mind blowing. We have been together for almost a year now. Which is the longest I have ever been continuously faithful and committed to one individual. She tied me down, and I am still not sure how. However, I'm glad she did. She is literally my reason for waking up every day. If i did not have her to wake up next to, I'm not sure I would find it within myself to get up and function. We fight so much its crazy. We do not always get along. Actually we almost never get along anymore, but the moments that we do are so worth it. I heard that the key to a successful relationship is never going to sleep angry, I think I've been awake for almost a year now. lol. I would not trade s single fight or argument or sleepless night for the world. At least I don't think I would. ...

My mom...yep, at twenty years old I still need my mommy to get me through the day. Sadly she lives over 3000 miles away from me and I have not seen her in almost a year. Which breaks my heart. She still calls me (or texts me, because yes, my mother has fallen into the world of texting now) every single day to ask how work was and to remind me to do my laundry, and be respectful to those around me. It's like she is right here with me. I love it. I miss her so much I can hardly talk to her without lashing out in anger now. She picked up and left to please my brother and sister. My brother is sixteen and should not have a say in the location of my mother. My sister ( one of many) is a completely controlling manipulative...something or another....and I hate that she convinced my mother to leave.

My Rylie May...how weird is it that a two year old is someone who can make life worth living? This little girl turned my life around. I went from being the kind of person who just did not care, made horrible decisions, and looked so down on myself, to being the kind of person who looks for reasons to be happy. The decisions I make now are not just for myself, but for that little girl. She is my favorite cousin's daughter, and I thank my cousin everyday for bringing Rylie here to save my life.

So there you have it, my few people that have continuously made my world spin. I love them dearly. And would not be who I am without them.

I Dont Pray...Ever.

I have not always had the strongest relationship with my older sister, but im trying to build one now. And one thing I have learned from doing so, is that you can not judge a book by its cover, and people can change you, even if you dont want them to. I love my sister dearly. I just learned that she is expecting again and I could not be happier for her and her family. I love my niece and nephew more than I think they could ever know. Sadly, my sister has had a run of bad luck with her pregnancies. fingers crossed this one sticks around. I dont believe in a lot of things, but I do believe she deserves this. I dont pray, but I will pray that her family does not have to face another tragedy, and that I get to have a new niece or nephew to love.

Misery Loves Company

I wonder why absolutely everyone has to spread their negativity around. If I talk to one person in a foul mood at the start of my day, Im spending the rest of the day struggling to be in a good mood.

The First Time Since The Last Time

I have not blogged in quite some time. Its idd how excited I am about my new blog. Its like doing it for the very first time. My friends in junior high actually called me "her royal bloggness" lol. && now here I sit, pondering the thousands of ideas I have. && preparing for the trouble I can cause with my big mouth. I do not keep much to myself. If I feel a certain way about something you can be sure Im going to let it be known. No one is safe. Ready for the wild ride? I am. =]